Chapter One

Hello Everyone!

Well, I was just sitting here, Friday afternoon June 22nd, and thought hey, I will post my chapter. I handed it in on Monday, and I have to say I was happy with the end result. You never know this could be hitting a book store some day! I would like it to, I had a lot of fun writing it and have even given some thought to chapter two!!!!!!


Bollywood Nights
Jacqui Menard


Aunt Jack’s sitting next to me. We’re sharing his IPOD, and he’s got Gwen Stefani’s latest album on loop while he braids my hair. Mom’s behind us doing energy work on Uncle Reggie. She’s got a white crystal resting on his third eye, and she’s liberally applying globs of tea tree oil cream on his pudgy face; he broke out in a bad case of hives shortly after take off. Dads sitting to my right with Grandma, she’s chewing on the complementary barf bag and talking into the remote control, and he’s laughing out loud as he watches the latest in-flight installment of Everybody Loves Raymond…loser. Kurt’s alone at the back of the plane; he’s playing with his tongue ring and flipping through his back issues of Modern Goth. I glance back every now and then and can’t help but to laugh as the flight attendants quiver each time they try to serve him.

I look past Aunt Jack and stare longingly out the window. We’ve just blasted through a bundle of peach colored clouds and now the sky looks like it’s on fire.

“Ladies and gentleman, we will be serving dinner shortly. This evening’s menu consists of chicken tika or aloo paneer with-”

Right about now I’d sell my right leg for one last chance at a Big Mac: heavy mayo, extra pickles, no onions and a side of curly fries.

Aunt Jack ties up my braid, I thank him, and he pinches my cheeks before he pulls out his novel, the one with the blond haired hunk of muscle on the cover. He giggles like a school girl, while I close my eyes and take out my ear piece just as Gwen breaks out into the chorus line of Wind it up for like the millionth time.

I hate my life … I hate the fact that my fate awaits me in a land of sacred cows and elephant headed men...but most of all I hate my family. The only difference now is I get to do it in a new country on the other side of the world far, far away from home.

*
Friday September 3rd

I’ve decided I’m running away. I’m going to fulfill my sixteen year old dream and become a Hollywood actress. Yeah, so I might have to wait tables and work as a janitor at some seedy strip joint to make ends meet, but I’m gonna make it, I’m gonna make it big I-

“Kali,” my mother knocks on my door as she opens it, pokes her head in and totally interrupts my plans for a new life. “Hurry up or you’ll miss daddy’s speech. We’re in the back yard, chop, chop,” she winks at me and then leaves.

“ARGH,” I pick up my diary and chuck it against the door. I fall back in the chair and watch as my Justin Timberlake poster falls to the floor and lands softly on my Hello Kitty welcome mat.

I get up, leave my room, slam my bedroom door and run downstairs into the kitchen, only to find Grandma hunched over in her wheel chair. There’s a mess of mashed peas caked on her face and her false teeth lay on the floor. I pick them up, wipe her clean, and wonder why she’s alone, and then she wakes.

“No…no I wanted extra cheese you IDIOT.”

“Grandma, you’re alright,” I rub her wrinkled hand. She smiles, picks up her empty bowl, puts it on her head, and then hunches over into a sound sleep.

“Meh!” I walk over to the screen door. “Man…mom and dad are so gay, I don’t even want to be here,” I whisper to myself as I rip open the door and step outside onto the back porch.

“And so gives us our first book, The joys of the Karma Sutra,” says my dad as he slowly revolves around a heap of tie dyed wrinkly hippies with a massive picture book perched above his head.

Suddenly, I feel lightheaded as my eyes make contact with the appalling cover between his hairy hands. Bits of peanut butter and jelly from lunch slither up my esophagus, for never in my wildest dreams would I’ve imagined my dad’s prune like figure capable of wrapping itself around my mom’s flabby waist line and saggy boobs.

My vision goes blurry, I feel dizzy, I can’t see my feet, and I try to re-claim my composure. “What the HELL,” I yell before I trip over my own two feet, hurdle face first over the railing and land with a splash into our lotus pond.
***

My eye lids feel heavy, I can feel a goose egg throbbing on the top of my head and my hair is crusted over with vomit.

“Kali…Kali,” Aunt Jack whispers as he strokes my hand and runs his fingers through my tangled mane. I cough. Aunt Jack cups his hand over his mouth before he yells, “Jesus Christ… I think she’s waking up.”

Through the slits in my eyes I see a stampede of hippies coming straight for me, and I wish I would’ve somehow slipped into a coma.

“Let me at her,” orders Uncle Reggie as he bursts through the crowd with a giant purple crystal.

“What the-” I sit up on the sofa. “I’m fine,” I say, totally embarrassed that I let him come anywhere near me with that thing.

“Kali,” begins my dad as he lifts his sarong, kneels alongside me and lovingly takes my hand in his. “You…you’ve been in an accident. Kali, how many fingers do you see?” He slides his index finger back and forth in between my eyes.

“Dad,” I shout as I slap his hand away from me.

“Honey,” he hollers to the kitchen. “It’s serious…get the herbs.”

“You guys… I am fine, perfectly fine,” I get up to readjust my robe.

“Could’ve fooled me,” hisses Kurt as he runs past the lounge in a black cape.

“Dill hole,” I pick up a pillow and chuck it at him.

“Kali…Kurt,” scolds dad.

“Bill,” hollers mom from the kitchen. “Bill, did you see the-” I can hear cupboard doors slamming. “Never mind,” mom suddenly rounds the doorway and enters the lounge.

“Here Kali, drink this,” she offers me a cup of bubbling black crap in my favorite Rainbow Bright cup.

“Mom, seriously I’m fine, like, just lay off you guys,” I turn around and race upstairs before anyone can respond. Suddenly, I can hear the chorus line to Kelly Clarkson’s ‘Break Away’ start on loop in my head. I tare open my bedroom door, dive bomb onto my bed, stare up at the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling and realize, “Wow, I truly made an ass of myself tonight.”


***


I open my eyes because I stink. I roll over disgusted, stretch, and let out a long sigh as I look around my room.

I look down at my bright pink carpeted floor and pick up my latest issue of Teen People. I roll onto my back, smile wide and realize Justin Timberlake’s on the cover and the headline reads:

“Sexy Timberlake demands that he and Diaz see other people.”

Oh Justin! I close my eyes and hold the cover tightly against my chest. I imagine Justin throwing stones at my window in the dead of night. He’s come to take me away to his mansion in the Hollywood Hills. I get out of bed, open my window, and the cool night wind carries the smell of Justin’s Tommy cologne up into my room. Justin smiles when we sees me, I blow him a kiss and he offers me up a rose.

“Kali.” I’m suddenly being jolted from side to side. I open one eye at a time, disappointed to see mom hovering over me. “Honey…honey I’m sorry,” she sits on the side of my bed. “You’re right; you need your space. Look, you can’t stay up here all day. Common downstairs, daddy cooked soy cakes and there’s a fluffy stack waiting for you in the oven. And why not shower?” She pinches her nose, ruffles my hair and skips out of my room like a fricken overgrown Pollyanna.


***


Kurt flashes me some wacko witch craft sign from across the table, pulls a mini voodoo doll out of his pocket and stabs it in the head with a massive pin.

I shoot him the finger and try not to laugh before he gets up and disappears like Count Dracula out the back door.

“Kali,” mom snaps before she answers the phone.

I mock her as she turns her back to me.

“Hello? You’re kidding? Right, well what was it? We can work on it, look we’re willing to go the distance for this Frank. Yes, well I understand. Okay, right, thank you.” her face turns downward as she slowly hangs up the phone and my dad comes in the kitchen.

“Carol, I can’t seem to find-”dad stops short when he sees mom’s expressionless face before he silently embraces her.

Wow, something was up, mom hadn’t been this upset since Ravi Shankar canceled his American comeback tour.

“Carol, were did you put my hot pants?” says Uncle Reggie as he comes into the kitchen followed by Aunt Jack and Grandma.

Mom breaks free from dad, storms past them and leaves the kitchen in a fit of tears as dad races after her.

“What, is it too much?” Uncle Reggie asks as he spins around in front of me in a pink paper boy hat and a rhinestone studded bolero jacket.

I shrug my shoulders; Aunt Jack slaps him and I look over at Grandma in her wheel chair. She smiles, I smile back and then her narcolepsy kicks in and she hunches over and falls asleep.


***


The stewardess taps me on the shoulder to inform me they’ve just run out of chicken tika. I slowly open my eyes, look around heart broken, sigh and let her know I’m not hungry; she smiles and continues her journey up the row.

I recline my seat back, grab my diary, open it and notice the goodbye letter from Brenda.

Hey Bitch!

LOL!!! OMG, I am like so totally kidding. Bummer you couldn’t make try outs. Man you like totally would have made it too! OMG! You’re like so cool, hey don’t sweat it, you never know they may have a spirit squad in India. LOL, like imagine that, cheering for a football team in a sari! LOL that is too much! Anyway, keep in touch you’re like so funny and such a good friend. Hey do you have friendster? Add me alright!

Cheers,
Brenda

PrincessBrenda_54@hotmail.com


PS. Take it easy on those chapattis!

Damn you mom and dad, my one chance at popularity and you’ve ruined it. RUINED IT. Fed up, I shake my fists in the air as a swollen Uncle Reggie walks past. He shoots me a dirty look, I stick my tongue out at him and then I fall back into my seat, totally frustrated. I close my eyes and can’t help but think back to the night that changed my life forever. I wonder…was there anything I could have said…or anything I could have done?


***



“Mom,” I say as I reach across the table to grab the carrot juice. “Um, like are you all right? Thanksgiving isn’t for like… another two months.”

“JESUS,” yells Kurt. He drops his tofurkey drumstick and spits out a chewed up mess on his plate.

An uncomfortable aura of silence encompasses the family before mom interrupts,

“Well,” she looks over at dad and grabs some part of his anatomy from underneath the table. Dad jumps, smiles and then he leans into my mom and kisses her.

I look away totally disgusted.

“Daddy and I have some good news,” she puts down her fork and wipes the corners of her mouth on her Give Peace a Chance apron.

“Well, what is it?” says Uncle Reggie before he gags on a piece of uncooked tofu.

“Frank, our publisher, called this afternoon and well our book deal has been put on the back burner,” she sighs. “Daddy and I were talking about Guru Raj in… and well…” she starts giggling uncontrollably. “Oh Bill, I can’t, you tell em!”

“Were moving to India,” says dad as he quickly swallows his food and smiles.

“AAAAH,” screams Grandma as she wakes up confused.

Aunt Jack quickly comforts her by giving her a spoonful of unrecognizable puréed food.

“Isn’t this a little too un…rash?” he slaps Grandma on the back and she burps like a truck driver.

“India?” I begin to hyperventilate. “But, how…when?” I gulp back my carrot juice in an attempt to stay calm.

“Well honey,” says mom as she grabs my hand. “We’re thinking… the first of next month.”

“First of next? Wha-? But cheerleading tryouts are next month; Brenda Spencer said I have a good chance of making the cut. You so don’t understand what this is going to do to my social life. And on top of that, where are we going to live?” I speak so quickly my tongue hurts.

“In Raj’s ashram. Daddy and I were there is 68 and-”

“An ashram?” I interrupt. “Sounds good …NOT! And tell me mom, do they get America’s Next Top Model and the O.C. at this ashram?” I stab my food with my fork.

Mom and dad look at me speechless as Kurt gets up from the table.

“I detest you BOTH,” he says as he reaches into his pocket to reveal his homemade Buffy the Vampire Slayer stake. He stabs the stake in the air and runs out of the room.

Mom lets out an uncomfortable laugh while dad nervously gnaws away on another piece of tofu.

I drop my fork and pray. I pray that some how Justin’s gonna save me, break down our front door, sweep me off my feet and then we’ll drive off into the sunset while his latest hit single, My Love, blasts loudly from his Pimp my Ride style speakers in his black Cadillac Escalade.


***


I’m interrupted by an in flight announcement.

“Ladies and gentlemen we will be landing shortly. Please be sure to have your tray tables stowed and your seats in up right position.”

Aunt Jack wakes with a fright and rips off his night mask. We put up our seats. He repacks his purse and I look around the plane nervously. Suddenly the walls feel as though they’re closing in. I glance over at dad, he shoots me the thumbs up and his face looks extra long, his features extra wide and extra hairy. My stomach begins talking and I suddenly wish I could take back the two Snickers bars, pack of Twinkies, and bag of Doritos I’d been secretly eating in the bathroom the whole flight over. A river of sweat runs down my face. I’m hot, no wait I’m cold, no wait I’m hot again. Okay, now my stomach is totally screaming at me. The plane slowly descends. I look at Aunt Jack, grip the arm rests and feel as though I’m gonna loose it.

“Kal…you okay? Here,” he rummages through his purse and pulls out a warm tuna fish sandwich. “Eat this,” he waves it under my nose; I push it away, lunge forward and start groaning.

“Oh my God,” he cries. We thud down onto the tarmac. My mom undoes her safety belt, leans over my seat and begins rubbing my back.

“Do you want me to sing Moon Shadow? she says. “That always helped when you were little? Hey I know, pass wind honey just take a deep breath and-”

“Mom,” I say as I rock back and forth.

The plane taxis towards the gate. I begin breathing deeply, before I unexpectedly let one rip. I spring up and my face flushes the color of a beet root. I re-adjust myself on the seat only to realize my favorite track pants now feel warm and gushy.

“Are…are you ok?” Aunt Jack grabs my hand. I open my eyes one at a time and notice my mom and dad praying over me.

“Yes, yes I’m fine.” Oh my God. I hope no one heard, or can smell me. I wanna die. Yes die, right here in seat 38H on Air India flight 87 non stop service to Bangalore. I stare down at my feet, wishing that my seat would somehow suck me into a black hole and launch me back to America so I can change my pants and shower.

The flight attendant approaches with a cup of ginger ale and orders my parents to please sit down.

I thank her, chug the cup, wipe my mouth on the back of my hand and she cringes as she leaves. “Oh God,” I think to myself as I stare out the window in an attempt not to make direct eye contact with anyone.

“Christ, what’s that smell?” Aunt Jack laughs as he slaps my thigh and unzips his purse. “Smells like your Uncle Reggie got loose in the kitchen,” he laughs so hard he starts to cry.

“Bitch,” says Uncle Reggie as he throws his travel pillow up over the seat.

I smirk, as he wipes his tears.

“Oh dear,” he says as he reaches into his purse, pulls out a tube of lip gloss and a compact.

My cheeks feel like they’re about to explode as the seat belt sign turns off and everyone stands up. Oh shit! I look over at dad and force a smile. He’s wafting the air towards his curled up nose, a look of disgust washes over him. He notices me looking at him and says,

“Aah, there’s my girl.” He reaches into his fanny pack, pulls out a diamond shaped bindi dot, leans across the isle and adheres it to my forehead. “Welcome to India.”